So, let us get straight to it, I'm not doing so well. I quit my job some time ago now because the constant wounding of my ego was too much to take. I had grand plans to replace the daily grind with something I thought was my "calling." I tried the writing thing. That didn't work out the way I'd hoped. Then I had my daughter come into my life and things changed, as you expect them to. My mental state didn't change however, in fact it got worse. I tried CBT and for a time that worked. Years went on and the CBT stopped working, mostly because I stopped using it, and it passed out of sight and therefore out of mind. So I went into hypnotherapy, and for a time it worked. Another year or two went past and I stopped doing what hypnotherapy taught me because, as usual, out of sight was out of mind.
More things I tried to attempt to gain back some sense of self worth was to pay for various classes on how to be a more productive writer, how to do social media outreach and a "masterclass" on creative writing. They were all about setting goals, both long- and short-term. They were about putting daily habits and routines into place in order to make the practice of writing - my supposed "calling" - easier to maintain. School holidays, weeks where I helped look after a poorly child, weeks where I myself got ill and other momentary distractions took me away from these "habits" and, as before, out of sight became out of mind. I now haven't written anything in months. I never got to finishing the productive writer classes, nor the outreach classes, nor the writing masterclass.
My days are now spent sleeping either the morning or the afternoon away. Mostly because I don't want to deal with the day I suppose. I don't want to go to sleep in the evenings because I don't want the next day to arrive too soon. And yet, regardless of whether or not I slept in the day I'm still dreadfully tired in the evening. And now I've progressed onto what I call Decision Paralysis. I sit in front of my PC on a daily basis, unable to summon up the energy to do pretty much anything. I can't bring myself to do "work" but I also can't bring myself to do "play" because I "should be working." So I just sit there unable to do anything. Except sleep. Because in the end that becomes the only way I can resolve to spend the day when I can't effect any action whatsoever.
Something else that fuels my inability to do anything at the moment are the words "I'm afraid..." See, logically I can see what I *could* be doing to try and alleviate this state of affairs. I could go out and get a part-time job just to occupy myself. But "I'm afraid..." that it won't feel like what I think I'm "meant to be doing" and so I will grow to resent it and we'll be back at square one with my depression coming back. But if I don't bring some money to the table, then "I'm afraid..." I am being a burden to my family. If being in the same four walls every day doesn't appear to be helping my mental state, then I could perhaps try going out to a cafe or something to try and see if the change of venue helps. I still have yet to do this, either because of other things requiring me to be home or decision paralysis happens. In order to try and force me to write I could nominate someone to keep me accountable by making sure I write so many words per day and they could also set me a deadline to adhere to. But then "I'm afraid..." that with deadlines comes the stress of feeling obligated to complete by that deadline and therefore growing to resent that person being a source of stress and anxiety for me. Plus "I'm afraid..." that I will grow to resent writing for the same reason.
So... I know I need help. But if that help appears to be anything like therapy then "I'm afraid..." that it'll be a temporary fix until I forget to do it again and it just falls by the wayside. If it appears to be someone I know and love trying to drive me to do my "calling", then "I'm afraid..." of growing to resent them and just getting more decision paralysis regardless. Medication appears to be an option, but that only ever treats symptoms and doesn't deal with the underlying problem.
Everything I start I do not finish.
So I'm in a pickle. I need something to help but I have no idea what.